Parenting and my Family

I have 4 kids, but as a parent, I'm still learning. A good parent is always learning, but due to some rough pregnancies, I'm a bit more behind than most. My oldest is 5 and I have just started trying to read to them before bed every night. I've managed it twice in the last week. Nathan is the only one interested in sitting to listen so far, but I'm sure the others will come around eventually. We've just finally cleared off a space big enough for the 3 big guys to sit down and color and do puzzles together. I've been trying to do that for over a year! They are really loving it and I am so happy! With something to do during the day I find they are much better behaved and it really helps RJ's and my sanity!

Grandpa is doing better that I thought he would be at this point. He seems to be enjoying the constant company and actually realizing how loved he is! RJ finally got to go see him yesterday. He hadn't seen him since Christmas! Grandpa is having trouble getting words out now. He's been having a hard time breathing for quite a while now. Been on Oxygen for about a month. He's not looking emaciated at all despite losing 15 lbs in a week. I'm a bit upset because I got to go there 3 nights this weekend, but now I can't go again until Friday! That's 4 days without seeing them and I'm just worried he'll pass between now and then. Hospice is bringing his hospital bed on Tuesday, and I'm worried that I will start crying when I see him in it. He needs to know that we'll all be okay when he goes, and I don't want him to know just how not okay I will be! When I'm there I can't even look at him, let alone talk to him, so I wrote him a letter saying how much he's meant to me over the years. Grandma said she'd read it to him, but I'm afraid that she may have forgotten...we'll see.

I did not have a very nice childhood. I couldn't have friends over to mom's and she was in no condition to play with me. I was scared of my dad, but at least I knew he loved me. I don't want my children to be afraid of me, but I don't know how to play with them and I find myself yelling at them when they try to get me to come play in their room all the time. I'm really trying not to yell anymore, but I really don't know how to play! I never did! If I got to hang out with kids my age, they'd yell at me because I never made my Barbies talk out loud or because I hid in a corner and wouldn't participate. I'm afraid my kids will be mad at me too! My husband says 'just play with them' but even while I'm watching them play and interact with each other, I just don't get it! I don't know what they're doing or how they're thinking and I'm afraid that because I grew up under a rock I'm going to be a bad parent to my children! What do I do about this?! I simply do not know how to fix it! RJ doesn't play with them either except to chase them down the hall occasionally...but I do that much on my own! It's hilarious to watch them try to run while laughing hysterically!